Letter to my German Lover

Dear N,
Do you know how it felt that first time we kissed?

I wasn’t dressed to impress that day. I was just trying to have a good time with my friends. I had given up looking for romance on that very day. And there you were all of a sudden. Next to me, flirting with me. And there I was flirting with you. One thing led to another and we stood outside of my friend’s house.

I walked backwards on the lawn away from you as you slowly followed, only a foot’s distance between us. I smiled at you and you grabbed me and kissed me… And there we were, kissing in the October moonlight, oblivious to the hooting and hollering of my friends as they caught up to us and suddenly realized what we were doing.

We kissed, I bit your lip, and you were a bit surprised. You then grabbed me harder. You loved it. I loved it. It was a beautiful moment. A wonderful memory. The memories we made after this day are glorious too. But, the first day we met is my most cherished memory.

I woke up the next day, next to you and we talked for what seemed like hours. Your accent a delicious sound. Your jokes and sense of humor, a sexy surprise.

We had many more mornings, many more talks. But, you are back in Germany now, and I am here in the same place, but without you. What we had only lasted three months. But, I would not change a thing.

Thank you, the little time we had was as precious as gold. You changed my perspective on so many levels. I may not love-love you, that is something I can’t do so easily. But, I love you in a sense. I love your personality, your accent, the way you treated me, the way you touched me, the way you made my deepest desires come true without me even asking. What we shared was beautiful. I hope one day I feel and experience what we had again. But if I don’t, I am content with with the memories of the moments we shared.

Auf Wiedersehen meinen deutschen Liebhaber.

Update: Before Cancun

A week before my trip to Cancun i had some affairs to attend to. I had to find a place to live in for the upcoming school year near my university. I had to sign up for classes and I had to figure out some not so great things that pertained to my education.

First of all. My grades the year before… Terrible. To the point where I was on academic suspension. So picking out classes was a no go. I didn’t know how to tell my parents. So I decided to just wing it and pretend as if I was still enrolled. I found a place to live in. I got a year long lease. I felt horrible, I wanted to throw up every time I thought about it. I am a horrible person. I am a coward. That’s all I could think.

At one point my mother sat me down at our dining table. My sisters sat next to her. This was serious. She stunned me with the news that she knew about my life at college. She knew about me losing my virginity. She knew about me drinking. She knew about me smoking. How did she know? My sisters had managed to find themselves a way into my Facebook, Twitter, and private messages. When was this? Six months before the day she admitted she knew. She, and my whole family knew about this for a half year and never said a word about it. I was not scolded or shouted at or even grounded. All she said was that I was an adult I could do whatever I wanted. She had done her job up until the moment I left for college.

I was so shocked about the whole conversation. I was in denial that it had even happened. I thought I had dreamt it…

Pardon my French…

I just fucking finished reading The Fault in Our Stars. I feel like I can do so many things with my life.

As cheesy as it sounds. It is a fucking inspirational book. John Green managed to not only write a popular book about teens with cancer, but was also able to integrate love, laughter, and joy into every paragraph and character. Even the dreadful character Van Houton. I could not bring myself to hate him, because he was not a bad guy. And he was definitely not written as a bad guy, because even Hazel did not hate him. She appreciated him and his blunt honesty. For seeing her for what she was. A sick and dying kid, who deserved no special privilege from himself, or as they call it, cancer perks.

Oh boy. How can a human being write such beautiful words? How can John Green, this mere human create such an inspiring piece? Now I am sure I can find, and will, and even have read better books. But for now I revel in bliss. Because today I finished reading the most magnificent book. I have not read a book like this in a while. A book full of sadness, that laughed at sadness, that laughed with sadness.
Every character had a life. John green doesn’t seem to use filler characters. He is a genius! Motherfucking genius!

Now please excuse my filthy mouth. For you see I’m an impolite 22 year old female still in college. I’ll hopefully be more well behaved in the future… Or not. We’ll see. Today I revel in John Green’s written words with my own choice words!.

Update: What Does Summer Feel Like With a Broken Heart? Pt. 2

Hermit Comes Out of the Shell
Reading heartbreak/relationship books helped me enough to start eating again. Enough to believe I was important to someone. I was important to me. My depression was based off of insecurities. I started to read blogs, articles, and books that helped me slowly unknot each of those insecurities.

The Internet saved me.

I began spending time outside in the sun. Trying to build a tan on my pale pale skin (I’m Mexican…). I also had a family trip to Cancun I was looking forward to! I was slowly becoming a person again.

My broken pieces became/are becoming a slow yet seemingly solvable puzzle.

Update: What Does Summer Feel Like With a Broken Heart? Pt. 1

Soooo I left off around early summer in my last post. What did I do after that post?

The Summer Hermit
I stayed in my room mostly. I was depressed. Lonely, yet surrounded by family. I figured out how to open those wine bottles and I got tipsy all by my lonesome in my room. I began reading things like “Why Men Love Bitches” “He’s Just Not That Into You” and other breakup/relationship books it, helped. I had gotten into a really messy “relationship” with this guy from October until May. I was a wreck. It got to the point where I had suicidal thoughts and I was afraid I would do something stupid.

Christmas Eve Blues

Hello! Here I am sitting in my room. I’m supposed to be getting ready. But instead I decided to write. I am in a certain mood. Everything seems so cheerful. My whole house is decorated in cheery Christmas decorations. It’s beautiful.
The Problem:
I miss my friends from college. I just want to spend the day with them. My family is great. But I can’t be myself around them. But I love them.
Cue sad song… This is my dilemma…
So here I am sitting in my room. Thinking about wanting to be sad. Does that make sense? I am thinking about wanting to be sad. I am trying to figure out which spotify playlist has the saddest songs. Which sad stories I can read. I am in the mood to feel sad. Oh, lord, something is wrong with me.

Instead I decided to write some updates on my blog. Trying to fill the gaps of time from my last post until now. I’ll release those starting the 26th.

I guess I should get ready. This has been very therapeutic. Thanks Internet for all you do for me. Have a great Christmas Eve everyone!

Hipster Finds Lifestyle Too Expensive, Reverts to Mainstream

Hilarious!

Lettuce Fold

ASHEVILLE, NC — Derek Loy has been living the hipster lifestyle for the past two years, but after his bank account began to dwindle, he reverted to mainstream customs.

“I tried my best,” said Loy, “I really did. I was juicing regularly, eating local and organic, and was doing my best to only drink craft beer. Unfortunately, my bank account just couldn’t handle hipster living.”

Loy said the added stress on his bank account caused him to revert to a more conventional lifestyle, that he enjoyed in his pre-hipster years.

“All the stuff I was doing was great. Kale salads and IPA’s are delicious, but you know what’s also fantastic: cheap stuff. Bud light, frozen chicken and pizza, Coke. Was I saving a lot of money on clothes? Absolutely. I mean, I was buying stuff from thrift stores that homeless people probably wouldn’t wear. And, because I rarely showered, my water…

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Update: Home for the Summer

So much had happened. First and foremost. I am back living in my parents house for the summer. Honestly it’s really great and it really sucks at the same time.

There is tons of food. The options are healthier. There is no Can Man waking me up early in the morning with his loud rummaging of our trash cans. The kitchen here is clean. I cannot emphasize how important this is to me! I like to cook and in my college home there were piles upon piles of dishes and trash everywhere in the kitchen. I could not keep up with it! My parents are a little surprised by my avid cleaning of the home kitchen. I may have become a little bit of a neat freak thanks to the college kitchen trauma.

The bathrooms are clean! Living in a party house, there are tons of people who walk through the front door and use our bathrooms for multiple purposes. Whether it’s to puke, shower, have sex, ,do drugs, or even for the normal use of getting rid of internal waste. It was a mess! Here we are less people and we all take turns cleaning them. I had to clean the downstairs bathroom over there because no one else would do it…

The pool of guys here is smaller. My college town was full of guys that I could pick and choose from pretty much on a daily basis. But let’s not forget about quantity to quality. The quality of those college boys in a college setting is downright disgusting. Not saying that the quality of the college girl is any better, because it isn’t. Right now I’m focusing on this cute guy that I’ve had my eye on for the past two years. We’ve been spending a lot of time talking and hanging out. It’s nice to take it slow. I didn’t even know that was possible!

I have a curfew again. You know how in college you might not come home until three or four in the morning? Yeah, well I had gotten so used to it that the first time I went out with my guy friend in my hometown I didn’t come home until three in the morning. Perfectly sober may I add. I had gone to the movies and then Perkins. Something perfectly innocent. My parents were furious. Then to my horror and surprise they gave me a curfew which entails I be home by one in the morning. Which is actually not too bad. I’ll take it. That doesn’t mean I can go out every day like I’m used to. My parents want a lot of family time. Which I’m not opposed to, it’s just that I had spent eighteen years of my life under my strict parents rules. No sleep overs ever, no going to friends houses ever. No concerts, no after school activities, no staying at other family members home, can’t stay out for more than 3 hours… Etc… I had no life outside of school. I’ve had too much family time. Sometimes I just sit outside for long periods of time because I feel so suffocated.

No drinking and no drugs. Yeah, it’s kind of a good thing. I swear right now I’m suffering through alcohol withdrawal. Yesterday I had the most random mood swing. I was sad all day and somewhere in the evening everything was hilarious and I was in such a good mood. A couple of times I’ve scouted the house for alcohol to drink. I found some Bacardi and drank a mixed drink of it. It was a bittersweet moment. I also found some wine, but I have no corkscrew and I don’t want to mess with a knife. I did order two top rail Long Island ice teas at Applebee’s with my guy friend this last Saturday. Boy was I happy. Unfortunately I didn’t get a buzz. Maybe if I had had just one more. But they cost $7 each! I’m going to find a way to open those wine bottles…

I’m still immature I’m still growing. Right now being at home is good for me.

Update: I Am Not The Same

Reading my first blog here I am really surprised. I decided to look at my various past blogs and after various attempts at remembering the username and password finally had a chance to look at this blog.

First of all; I know I never updated at all, until now. My big plans to learn how to prioritize… Yeah… Went down the drain.

I am so bad at prioritizing that I skipped my classes for a whole semester. Why?
Because I was exposed to a whole new world. Something that I had never understood before and unfortunately I made that my priority.

My last update was written by a 20 year old nerdy female. She loved anime, cartoons, fantasy novels, and believed in fairy tale romance. She lived in a small crowded apartment with an honors and dean list, pothead feminist, and a wannabe-badass rugby player who I know little about even to this day.
The upstairs neighbors where potheads and sold weed. They were always high and would have lots of ragers.

I would be at the library every day. It was my second home. Since my roommates were always hogging up the living room I needed a place to feel free. The library was my place to relax.

The library was also the place where I would see my crushes. My crushes, then, all followed certain attributes that I found attractive. One of them being that they were of Asian descent. I had a thing for smooth faced tall Asians. Mostly because they were stereotyped to be sweethearts and had cute baby faces.

I was a virgin who had never had a boyfriend or even been kissed. I had done a good deal of hand holding though.

My friends, they were all of Asian ethnicity; mostly international students. We would go out to eat on a regular basis. We would exchange cultural information, play board games and talk about all kinds of things.

The person writing this blog today… Well, she is a pot smoking, borderline, alcoholic, promiscuous, airhead.

I live in a college house a block from the middle of my university’s campus. The neighborhood is made up of a ton of houses full of people who throw parties every Thursday to Sunday. Every night you can see and hear the swarms of college students as they excitedly roam the streets for the biggest party. A place where they can do all the things that they know they shouldn’t.

My house had a nickname. It is one of those houses that everyone knows about. A house where you might have drunkenly blacked out, thrown up, gotten in a fight, cried your eyes out, slept with a complete stranger, received a minor, or tried drugs for the first time. My house is called the Barnhouse. Why? Simply because it’s big and red. It has two living rooms, two bathrooms, a basement, 10 rooms, one kitchen, one big pantry, a big porch, a side yard, a front yard, and a big backyard parking lot. With all that space it’s the perfect place to party.

In this very house, I had my first shot of hard liquor. Now I can get drunk any time of the week. I constantly go to the bars with my roommates and friends. To get a buzz I need three shots of hard liquor. I sometimes drink a little too much and black out, only to wake up and wonder what I did.

In this house I smoked weed for the first time. Now, i smoke up almost every day. Female perks, they never have to pay. I have my own hookups.

In this house I had my first kiss. It was a week before my 21st birthday. I was drunk. This guy was chasing. After so many years of being afraid of being physically close to someone I decided to let that fear go. He asked me to kiss him and I did. Two days before my 21st birthday I lost my virginity to him. I stopped talking to him for two months after that happened. Within those two months I had sex with two guys. One was a hipster who went to England every summer. He was kind of awkward so I cut off connections with him. The second guy was this energetic, iron pumping tough guy who seduced me with his dorky side. We’ve fooled around a couple more times after that. January I somehow began talking to the guy, I first had sex with, again. We began sleeping together more regularly and that leads to my first friends with benefits. Last time I saw him… Last night.

In this house I learned about the night. I saw the world in a whole new light. I dress differently now. I act differently now, I think differently now. I am not saying my route right now is the right path. But I am also not saying it is a path no one should walk through. Clearly, I am what society calls a rebel, a misfit. I am a promiscuous airhead, pothead, drunkard who likes bad boys.
I am going to work on that when I go back home for summer break. I am going to reflect on my choices. I am not going to say I am going to change just yet. I acknowledge that one day I am going to have to choose a different lifestyle.

I just want to share my surprise at how different I am than when I first moved to my university and how a year can make all the difference.

Here is to hopefully more updates soon. Maybe in a year I will make another post and realize yet again how much I can change.

Awkward Getting to Know You Stage

Well, some of you have built in genes or whatnot that make you feel comfortable meeting new people and striking up conversations. It’s always that first impression that will have you hanging out at the latest parties or hanging out at anime club. I don’t think either of those are better than the other. I am just trying to prove a point.

My point is that generally I am a shy and quiet female. I am not usually open, but I want to change that. See, while part of me may be yearning to let out that outgoing cheerleader within, another part of me which I have so eloquently dubbed the “nerd” seems to dominate again and again. So as I write, both my cheerleader and my nerd battle it out on the planes of this blog  causing me to delete… and delete sentences again and again. No joke.

I will start off with something simple; a description about me followed by the purpose of this blog. Super simple stuff right?

I am a 20 year old female college student. I currently live in St Cloud, MN and attend St Cloud State University. My major is international business and I am still undecided on my minor. I live in an apartment off campus with two other roommates, one female and one male. My interests are travel, culture, and people in general. I don’t really have any hobbies. I just roll with the dice. Wow, did I really just think up that old saying?

The purpose of this blog is mainly personal. I want to capture my college life triumphs and losses. I also want to look back at this blog and laugh at all the silly things I blogged about. Also I want to gain priority. I am a big procrastinator, I hope this blog will help me begin a process of doing things on time. Like posting weekly, every other week etc…

I want to commit to this blog!

Until my next blog!

-Z-